1 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,299 Right... 2 00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:13,736 Eddie comes in, takes off his coat, 3 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:15,738 body odour... 4 00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:20,403 ...takes off his hat, sits down to eat his tea, sees the note, 5 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,412 sees me. 6 00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:23,846 Shock ! 7 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:26,577 Rescue, rescue, rescue ! Remorse, remorse ! 8 00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:29,620 Guilt, guilt, guilt ! Whirlwind of self-loathing, 9 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,884 and Eddie buys me a drink ! 10 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,288 Fiendish ! 11 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,381 - Hello, Eddie. - Bugger off ! 12 00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,615 Hard day at the office ? 13 00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,224 Yes ! 14 00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:42,021 I spent an hour with Mrs Longbottom, 15 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,791 an hour and a half with that bitch, Mrs Pugh, 16 00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:48,799 I spent six hours looking for the supervisor, 17 00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,665 and when I found him, he cut off my dole ! 18 00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:54,398 - I've got too many savings ! - How much have you got ? 19 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:59,274 �11.80 ! He says that will keep me going for at least two months. 20 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:06,648 You really are pathetic ! You haven't held down a steady job since 1978 ! 21 00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:08,947 You only held that down for ten minutes ! 22 00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:10,680 Bunny girl 23 00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:15,260 I told you to keep your trousers on. It was like watching a bullfight ! 24 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:17,863 We've got �11.80 for two months ? 25 00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:22,229 No, we've got 30p and a second-hand copy of "Parade" ! 26 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,604 - What ?! - It's an investment. 27 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:30,004 I got it for �1.50, and originally it only cost a shilling. 28 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:33,044 The value of these things is sky-rocketing ! 29 00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:37,912 That's pre-decimalisation. They'll all have their pants on ! 30 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:41,748 - I'll look after this. - No ! This is my investment. 31 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,618 - I'll show it to my grandchildren. - Pardon ? 32 00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:48,352 This is a genuine first edition of "Parade" ! 33 00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:50,155 It's still in its cellophane wrapper ! 34 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:54,392 It doesn't matter how you art it up, it's still a "jazz" mag ! 35 00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:58,402 That's what they said to Michelangelo about the Sistine Chapel ! 36 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,267 It's not ! 37 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:06,709 The Sistine Chapel is art. They'd have said, "Blimey, nice painting, Mr Angelo. 38 00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:09,178 "That's what I call art, and it's not porny !" 39 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,180 It bloody well is dirty ! 40 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:15,617 Those three birds on the third pillar from the left with the blue ribbon ! 41 00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:19,156 Some of the things they're doing would make your nose bleed ! 42 00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:22,352 It's in the history of art book. Where is it ? 43 00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:27,159 - Leave that. Let's have dinner. - It's in your study area. 44 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:31,398 It's fallen open at the exact page ! 45 00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:38,968 Extraordinary ! It's done it again ! 46 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:46,346 Well, I've been studying that picture. 47 00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:51,185 Been studying it quite a lot, have you, while you're alone in the house ? 48 00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:56,489 - How dare you accuse me of masturbating ? - Who said anything about that ? 49 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:59,962 I just said it's odd how it always falls open at that precise page ! 50 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,561 You know that's the picture I always look at when I'm having a wa... 51 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:13,376 �11.80 was all we had for the next two months ! How will I feed the children ? 52 00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:18,746 - We haven't got any children. - I was talking metaphorically. 53 00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,513 You're talking bollocks ! 54 00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,054 Don't use that language here, my lad. 55 00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,714 What, English ? 56 00:05:25,858 --> 00:05:28,486 The language of the guttersnipe ! 57 00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:33,292 The language of the toilet ! The language of the green things you yank 58 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,560 till a yellow dangly thing comes out ! 59 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:40,765 Every day, yakkety bloody yak ! On and on and on, day in, day out, 60 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,171 slime in this ear, slime in that ear ! 61 00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:46,073 JUST STOP TALKING ! 62 00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,147 - You may hate me, Eddie... - Yes, I do. 63 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:06,164 ...but you can't live without me, can you ? 64 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:09,291 Off you go, gallivanting around the countryside, 65 00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:13,201 squandering all our money on rhythm magazines, 66 00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:17,469 then you swan in here and expect your dinner on the table. 67 00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,773 I don't know why I do it, 68 00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:25,645 but I've managed to throw together a slap-up dinner for two 69 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,218 for no money at all ! 70 00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:32,347 All the ingredients in our meal have either been grown, found or foraged. 71 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:33,959 Oh, dear ! 72 00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:38,661 So, hey... Hey, Eddie ! 73 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:45,798 I forgive you. Come and have your din-dins ! 74 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,827 What's wrong with these beans ? 75 00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,627 What do you mean ? They're fresh. I grew those in the window box. 76 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,633 They've got black bits on them. 77 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,238 It's just a couple of greenfly ! 78 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:25,072 They're dead now. They were under the grill for ages. I watched them pop. 79 00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:29,738 - What's this ? - It's a turnip ! 80 00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:33,113 - Are you missing the label - Why is it black ? 81 00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:35,413 It's been grilled ! 82 00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:43,021 They have a real texture, don't they ? Fresh vegetables ! 83 00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:46,222 It's a totally different experience ! 84 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:49,163 - Grilled lettuce ?! - No, that's bacon ! 85 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,361 It's green ! 86 00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:53,028 Yeah ? 87 00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:55,231 This is disgusting ! 88 00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:59,276 Are you gonna blow your 30 pence on a slap-up grill down the Savoy ? 89 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,812 Pass the tea. 90 00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,148 What's this ? 91 00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:11,313 Elm tea ! 92 00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:13,721 The gypsies swear by it. 93 00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:18,058 I bet they do ! I bet they say, "What the bloody hell's this ?!" 94 00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:20,688 God, it's like living with Lena Zavaroni ! 95 00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,667 You can taste the bark, can't you ! 96 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,435 Perhaps a little less wood next time. 97 00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,976 - Is there any pudding ? - Yes, plenty of pud. 98 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,672 Right, I'm off. 99 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:38,943 At least there's something fantastic on telly tonight ! 100 00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:42,179 I've been looking forward to this ! 101 00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,926 - You can't watch that. - Why not ? 102 00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:51,029 I want to watch something on the other side. 103 00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,865 It's my favourite programme. 104 00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,232 The highest score... 105 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,534 This is your favourite programme ? What is it ? 106 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:07,611 A documentary. And there's a car, great ! 107 00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:10,238 It's a documentary about fat old women ! 108 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,181 - Are you on it, then ? - Ha, ha, ha 109 00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:18,484 Hysterical ! Heart-stoppingly funny ! You really should be on Channel 4 ! 110 00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:21,855 No, ITV. That's the channel for me. 111 00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:25,760 Nothing to worry about and plenty of sauce ! 112 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:29,334 What edifying programme have the light channel prepared 113 00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:30,765 that I'm not going to let us watch ? 114 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,804 - "Miss World", actually. - How disgusting ! 115 00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:42,337 ...the precision of the measurement of aggregate change... 116 00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:44,381 Nice statistic ! 117 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:53,058 - Cor ! 118 00:09:57,129 --> 00:10:01,862 ...can monitor pain at an individual level... 119 00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:12,707 Get out of my house ! 120 00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:14,779 - I beg your pardon ? - You heard ! 121 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:17,439 - No, I didn't. - I'm not saying it twice ! 122 00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:20,518 I can't do anything about it, then, can I ? 123 00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,848 This is my house, so get out ! 124 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,858 You can't do this. I've got rights. I pay rent ! 125 00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:30,622 I've never actually seen any money ! 126 00:10:31,764 --> 00:10:34,426 Well, I've been busy. How much is it ? 127 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:39,698 11,645 pounds and 66 new pence. 128 00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:43,798 - I've got 30p. - You'd better get out of my house, then ! 129 00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:45,672 It's your aunt's house. 130 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:49,406 For the purpose of this conversation, I AM my aunt. 131 00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:50,981 Hello, Mabel ! 132 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:54,746 Is she here ? Shit, hide the fags ! Hello, Auntie ! 133 00:10:54,887 --> 00:10:57,048 Right, that's it. Get out ! 134 00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:02,792 I shall go, Mabel, but I ought to warn you 135 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:08,389 that if your nephew reads any more art magazines, he may go blind. 136 00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:12,327 Good day to you, madam ! 137 00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:19,368 Good riddance to bad rubbish ! That was clever ! 138 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:29,744 First, number 16, Miss Dominican Republic. 139 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:38,554 Maria is only 19 years old. 140 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,638 I'm sorry, Richie. You're the tops. 141 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:58,910 Let's have another cup of that delicious elm tea ! 142 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:02,248 It's either that or nasty Linda. 143 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,686 This isn't very sexy, is it ? 144 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,482 Look at the knockers on that one. They're minute ! 145 00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:40,751 That because that's Michael Buerk ! 146 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:44,260 He's not very saucy, is he ? 147 00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:47,024 I'm all for educational programmes. 148 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:50,624 I just think they could sex 'em up a bit. 149 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,704 What do you think, Richie ? 150 00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:57,174 This is so silly ! 151 00:12:57,309 --> 00:13:01,211 Just because the TV got jammed on to the light channel during the fall, 152 00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:05,716 and my trousers fell down due to heavy housework... 153 00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:08,752 Richie, don't even try it. 154 00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:15,088 Just put the TV back on to "Miss World" and we'll say no more about it ! 155 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:19,026 - We'll say no more about it ? - No. 156 00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:26,034 - Now go away ! 157 00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:28,902 I'll just go away... 158 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,236 ...over here... 159 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,307 ...in my going away place. 160 00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:38,278 And here I am... 161 00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:43,184 ...in my going away place... on my own. 162 00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:47,984 It's a bit of a loose end for me. 163 00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:52,062 I'll just tidy away the dinner things. 164 00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,503 Yes, just tidy away the dinner... 165 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,662 ...that I cooked... 166 00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:03,001 ...and nobody ate ! 167 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:07,877 I'll just throw away the vegetables... 168 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,610 ...on to that man. 169 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:17,455 All the vegetables I spent all day grilling, off they go ! 170 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,787 - God's thinking, "What a good..." - I'm warning you ! 171 00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:25,226 If you don't shut up, I'll stuff your head up your bum ! 172 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:29,494 You'll spend the rest of your life on all fours, looking for the light switch ! 173 00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:34,306 OK. 174 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,874 A cup of tea... 175 00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:03,927 Cor, they don't write tunes like that any more ! 176 00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:11,166 It's just... 177 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,239 I'm just a very lonely person. 178 00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,146 I'm not bloody surprised ! 179 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:28,389 Great. "Miss World" ! 180 00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:36,796 Cor ! 181 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,700 Cracking birds, aren't they ? 182 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,502 Do you know how many birds there are in the world ? 183 00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:47,134 Yeah. About three billion. 184 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:51,079 Do you know how many of those I've slept with ? None. 185 00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:54,674 Statistically, that's quite phenomenal. 186 00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,050 Not for an ugly fat bastard like you. 187 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:04,461 I wonder what sort of great bird would suit me ? 188 00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,826 A blind one ? 189 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:11,030 A blind, deaf masochist, really. 190 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,365 I suppose you're right. 191 00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:16,633 I was born at the wrong time. 192 00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:21,576 I'm more sort of Elizabethan. You know, 13th century. 193 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:27,880 Shakespeare, the French Revolution. I'm just too intelligent, that's my problem. 194 00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,420 Shit ! 195 00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:33,320 I didn't expect the kettle to be hot ! 196 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:38,396 God, life's horrible ! Why haven't I got a girlfriend ? 197 00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:41,431 I'd look great with a girlfriend ! 198 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:46,128 I've never had a girlfriend. 199 00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:48,967 Perhaps I'm the new Messiah. 200 00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:54,368 Yeah... Maybe that's it. 201 00:16:55,447 --> 00:16:58,109 Get up and walk. 202 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,775 Fifty quid. Thanks. 203 00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:03,618 Throw away your sticks. 204 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,088 Bonk ! April fool ! 205 00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:13,287 God, I'm bored ! 206 00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,627 There's the phone. 207 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,865 We haven't had a phone conversation all night. 208 00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:24,601 I'm great on the phone ! 209 00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,939 Hello ? Great ! 210 00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:32,775 Hi ! Greater ! 211 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:40,151 Lieutenant Sex Machine. Homicide. Yeah, what time ? 212 00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:44,126 I'll nail this sick mother, even if the DA takes my badge. 213 00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:47,061 Chief, just give me 24 hours ! 214 00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:50,191 God, I wish I knew what all that meant ! 215 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,903 Dring... Oh ! 216 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,873 Dring, dring... Oh ! 217 00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:02,071 Dring... Oh ! Hello ? 218 00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,274 Who is this ? 219 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,443 Just don't hurt the kid, OK ? 220 00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,420 Eddie ! It's him again ! 221 00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:15,152 He's got Janey. Switch on the tape recorder ! 222 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,189 How much do you want ? 223 00:18:20,332 --> 00:18:24,860 Forty million billion squillion zillion dollars ? Are you crazy ?! 224 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:30,669 Oh, you are ! Sorry. I haven't got 40 million billion squillion zillion dollars. 225 00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:35,178 Eddie blew our money on a second-hand copy of "Parade" ! 226 00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:38,848 Hang on. 227 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:48,256 You had �11.80. You spent �1.50 on the porn mag... 228 00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:51,157 - Art pamphlet ! - That is beside the point ! 229 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:57,462 �1.50 from �11.80 leaves �10.30, and you've only got 30... p ! 230 00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:01,038 Where's the other tenner, you grasping little Fagin ? 231 00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:04,199 Sod off, you stupid fat git ! 232 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,409 Don't try and wriggle out of it by being all grown up ! 233 00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:11,778 - What did you squander it on ? - I put a bet on "Miss World". 234 00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:14,010 You put a bet on "Miss World" ? 235 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:17,020 You put a bet on "Miss World" ! Great ! 236 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,623 Phwoar ! 237 00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:21,419 Richie, this is "Panorama". 238 00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:25,794 Phwoar ! Great ! Which one's ours, old chum ? 239 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:29,731 - Miss China ! - Where are you, my lovely ? 240 00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:32,496 There she is ! 241 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,468 You haven't put our money on that old boiler, have you ? 242 00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:38,940 Go on, me beauty ! 243 00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,375 Mind the steps ! 244 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,913 That's a bit of a nasty tumble ! 245 00:19:44,049 --> 00:19:47,985 - She can't even walk ! - She's lost a couple of teeth ! 246 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,918 Spit 'em out ! They'll never notice ! 247 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:53,581 Stop smiling, you stupid cow ! 248 00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:58,788 There should be a lollipop man on that mouth, stopping the traffic ! 249 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,731 What possessed you to put our money on the "Thing from the Swamp" ? 250 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:05,234 I got odds of a thousand to one. 251 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:09,500 If she comes in ahead of the pack, we stand to make 10,000 quid ! 252 00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:14,510 Imagine it - lying on a sun-drenched shore as the Caribbean laps at your feet, 253 00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:19,811 a scantily-clad maiden brings you your 17th large Tequila Sunrise 254 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:23,479 and a slap-up grill for two ! 255 00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:27,683 The way Quasimodo's going, we'll be lucky to get a wet weekend in Reigate ! 256 00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:31,057 She's got a tattoo on her face ! 257 00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:34,359 No, that's just a bit of blood. 258 00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:36,660 Oh, Eddie... 259 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,862 Why didn't you bet on something decent like Miss America ? 260 00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:43,634 The odds were five to one on ! We'd have only made two quid ! 261 00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:46,243 That's better than a tenner down the lav ! 262 00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:48,869 - What's wrong with the reception ? 263 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,778 It's your fault for knocking it over. 264 00:20:54,353 --> 00:20:56,878 I hope there's not too much damage. 265 00:20:57,022 --> 00:21:00,048 I'm sure the judges will take that into account. 266 00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:03,320 What part of lovely China do you come from ? 267 00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:09,762 - I can't understand her ! - She's talking in Chinese. 268 00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:12,893 I'll give it a bang. 269 00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:16,496 You stupid git ! There's ten grand riding on this ! 270 00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,602 How do you do that ? 271 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:28,481 Richie, are you all right ? Where are you ? 272 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:34,058 I'm over the other side of the room ! I'm over here ! 273 00:21:34,192 --> 00:21:36,820 - This is me here. 274 00:21:39,898 --> 00:21:42,731 Have we got any more fuse wire ? 275 00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,894 It's in the kitchen drawer. 276 00:21:46,938 --> 00:21:48,405 There's nothing in here. 277 00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:52,806 That's the fridge. Shit ! The kettle's still hot ! 278 00:21:54,713 --> 00:21:56,010 - Where is it ? - Down here. Aagh ! 279 00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,116 I've done it again ! That's three times now ! 280 00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:01,276 God ! There's no fuse wire in here ! 281 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,752 - Richie... - What ? 282 00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:06,119 - Hold this. - What ? 283 00:22:06,258 --> 00:22:09,523 Wagh ! Oh ! 284 00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:13,097 In third place, number 42, Miss... 285 00:22:15,233 --> 00:22:18,031 Stick it back in ! They're giving the result ! 286 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:21,333 No, Eddie, please ! Argh ! 287 00:22:21,473 --> 00:22:26,137 In second place, number 12, Miss America ! 288 00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:28,746 That was the favourite ! We're in with a chance ! 289 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,247 - I'm going to faint. - It's exciting, isn't it ? 290 00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:34,375 I can't hold it much longer ! 291 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:38,421 - Just another ten seconds. - Please, it's your turn ! 292 00:22:38,557 --> 00:22:42,857 - Shut your cakehole ! - And the winner is... 293 00:22:42,994 --> 00:22:46,259 - Go on. Have a go. It's fun ! - Here it comes ! 294 00:22:46,398 --> 00:22:50,425 ...number 37, Miss France ! 295 00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:53,595 I don't believe it ! It's a fix ! 296 00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,810 - Did we win ? - No, we lost. 297 00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:03,005 Knackers ! 298 00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:07,978 Richie, are you OK ? 299 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,884 Am I OK ? 300 00:23:11,022 --> 00:23:13,684 No, I'm not bloody OK ! 301 00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:16,521 Wait till I get my hands on you, you little bastard ! 302 00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:20,927 Shit, that bloody kettle's still hot ! God, life's horrible ! 303 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:25,833 Ten grand down the toilet and a scalded hand ! Why does fate treat me like this ? 304 00:23:25,971 --> 00:23:29,031 At least things can't get any worse ! 305 00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:30,698 Aaagh ! 306 00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:39,373 There we go. Dab hand Eddie ! 307 00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:43,750 That'll be 11,645 pounds and 66 new pence, 308 00:23:43,889 --> 00:23:49,486 or we could just call it quits on the rent, Richie !...Richie ? 309 00:23:51,296 --> 00:23:53,423 Richie ? 310 00:23:54,499 --> 00:23:57,525 I'll take that as a yes, then, shall I ? 311 00:24:02,974 --> 00:24:08,571 "Dear Eddie, by the time you read this, I will be dead. 312 00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:12,444 "I know you will be feeling terribly guilty, but don't blame yourself, 313 00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:16,281 "although it really is your fault. 314 00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:19,117 "If I was alive, I would forgive you, 315 00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:24,160 "but I'm not so I can't, so you'll just have to live with it. Richard." 316 00:24:27,866 --> 00:24:29,959 Poor blighter ! 317 00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:35,566 All he needed was the love of a good woman ! 318 00:24:35,707 --> 00:24:38,870 Well, not even a good one. Any old one would have done ! 319 00:24:39,010 --> 00:24:43,709 Slap a wig on a "Speak Your Weight" machine and he'd have been happy ! 320 00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:47,307 And now he's gone and done himself in ! 321 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,052 This ought to fetch a few quid ! 322 00:24:54,292 --> 00:24:56,419 Who left the kitchen window open ? 323 00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:58,426 Richard, you're alive ! 324 00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:02,260 The amount of pain I'm in would suggest so ! 325 00:25:05,904 --> 00:25:08,964 Hello, BBC ! Put me through to the "Miss World" programme. 326 00:25:09,107 --> 00:25:12,008 I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms ! 327 00:25:12,143 --> 00:25:16,079 Well, put me through to ITV, then ! Hello ? 328 00:25:16,214 --> 00:25:19,115 Would you believe it ?! 329 00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,245 It's just typical, isn't it ? 330 00:25:23,388 --> 00:25:25,879 We're on the brink of winning �10,000, 331 00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:32,793 and some ugly frog bint scoops up all our hopes in her garlic-stained claw 332 00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:36,298 and discards them like some used tissue ! 333 00:25:36,434 --> 00:25:38,595 That's very poetic, Richie ! 334 00:25:38,737 --> 00:25:41,729 Sod off ! Go on ! Sod off ! 335 00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:45,104 Get to soddery ! It's all your fault ! 336 00:25:45,243 --> 00:25:50,340 Sod off yourself, yer great fat git ! It's me that just lost 10,000 quid ! 337 00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:53,349 - Half of it was mine ! - It bloody well was not ! 338 00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:56,215 Do you think I'm going to lie around the sun-drenched Caribbean 339 00:25:56,354 --> 00:25:59,653 with dusky maidens fulfilling every sordid whim 340 00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:03,454 with a fat, blotchy white walrus lying next to me, 341 00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:09,261 blathering on about himself and spoiling the atmos ? No, I'm bloody not ! 342 00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:17,970 Thank you very much, Edward. You learn something every day. 343 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:22,102 Today I learnt that you're a complete bastard ! 344 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:26,047 I think I might turn in now. I feel so enriched 345 00:26:26,184 --> 00:26:28,744 Nighty-night, Eddie ! 346 00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:33,849 Why can't we ever bloody win anything ? 347 00:26:33,992 --> 00:26:39,726 Don't be stupid, Richie. People like us aren't meant to win things. 348 00:26:39,864 --> 00:26:42,765 What are we meant to do, then ? 349 00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:48,771 Look, you get born, keep your head down and then you die - if you're lucky ! 350 00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:53,105 Come on ! There must be more to it than that ! 351 00:26:54,713 --> 00:26:56,704 Well, there's the telly. 352 00:26:56,848 --> 00:26:59,009 Well, there was. 353 00:26:59,150 --> 00:27:03,644 - Shall I switch the gas on ? 354 00:27:06,491 --> 00:27:08,425 What do you mean ? 355 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,393 Go on. Top yourself. 356 00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:17,125 The telly's bust. It'd be a good bit of entertainment ! 357 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:24,541 I know you're just trying to cheer me up ! 358 00:27:24,676 --> 00:27:28,874 And you're right. You have to laugh, don't you ? Ha, ha, ha ! 359 00:27:29,014 --> 00:27:31,744 No, you don't, really ! 360 00:27:31,883 --> 00:27:35,910 It's no good. I think I've reached my bottom. 361 00:27:37,055 --> 00:27:41,685 What we couldn't have done with ten thousand grands ! 362 00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:44,021 Well... 363 00:27:46,598 --> 00:27:49,726 We couldn't have done anything. You see... 364 00:27:50,735 --> 00:27:53,898 ...I never put the bet on ! 365 00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:58,669 I just said I did so that you'd insist we watch "Miss World". 366 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:02,977 Where's the missing tenner, then ? 367 00:28:03,114 --> 00:28:06,413 I saw you picking your veg as I went out this morning, 368 00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:10,920 so I thought I'd better have a slap-up grill before I came home ! 369 00:28:12,090 --> 00:28:14,183 Yum, yum !